Tag Archives: repairing relationships

It’s not me. It’s you.

4 Feb

“It’s not me. It’s You.”

I was dying to say that once to a potential beau that I knew wasn’t in the cards for me. Instead I said, “I think I see us as just being friends”, which was true. In my heart and mind, as much as I wanted to have my very own genuine boyfriend he wasn’t the one for me. Deep down I knew that if I ever did date this eager and willing bachelor who was looking for love as I was I would kill him- that was if my friends didn’t beat the crap out of me first. (Dude, you can’t call my closest friends pterodactyl and tyrannosaurus-rex respectively and expect to win them over).

Yes, if I told him how I really felt, he would have been sad, but if he was seriously looking for love, some self-reflection would have worked in his favour and bettered his chances at a future relationship; a successful one. I am pretty sure I am not the only dame in the world that finds it odd to go gift shopping with a guy that shops for the spa lady who “manscapes” his man-bits. Enter visual here.

For years I never complained about a terrible meal when dining out. Whenever I was asked how my meal was, it was always “fine” or “good”, even if it tasted like toasted socks (have you ever noticed that they always ask you when your mouth is full?). I didn’t want to hurt their (the servers) feelings if I wasn’t enjoying my meal. As I became to appreciate myself more and became more confident, I finally said to myself, why should I spend money for crap or something I don’t like or enjoy? If I were a cook, I would want to know if people are enjoying my food. If it sucks, I want to know what I can do to change it BUT how can I make it better if you don’t let me know? The poor cook can’t improve if they don’t realize that there is a need. Business suffers because word gets out that the food sucks; and then nobody wants to work for an establishment with a bad rep so finding good help is hard and you become less selective about quality help. The downward spiral continues. If someone only told you that your food sucks in the beginning.  

Are relationships any different?

If you knew that certain actions (or reactions) were causing distress to someone you cared about, wouldn’t you want to know about it? It was never your intention to hurt them; just as it’s not the intention of the person who has captured your affections to hurt yours. I’d want to know so I can make changes to be a better person. The most common reaction to rejection is to immediately find a way to fix yourself up to win back that other person. Does it work? Sometimes. Does it work forever? Rarely.

I’m not saying that wanting to change yourself to become better person is wrong. I’m saying that if you are doing it for someone else, the fix would be less permanent than if you do it for yourself.  Relationships with others don’t come with a lifetime guarantee no matter how strong a relationship feels. How many best friends do you have over a lifetime?

How many “yous” do you have over a lifetime?

The most important relationship in your life is the one with yourself.  If you are able to win over your own body, soul and mind with a good dose of self- love and adoration that would make you a pretty phenomenal person to be around. Wouldn’t it?  Who wouldn’t want to be around that? Can you picture what you would look like and how you would feel if you loved and adored yourself as much as you do for the people you care about?

Maybe you’re right. It is me.


Eating Crow…With A Side Of Bacon

18 Oct

Have I no shame, or am I just okay with not being right all the time? I have turned into one of those people who I used to laugh (which I know now is judging) at.

In my 20s I thought I knew it all, had the answers for everything, as many of us did, or still do.

In my thirties my confidence waned and nothing turned out that way that I had imagined. In fact turning 30 for me and others of my gender was a little traumatic even. Probably not unlike the male mid-life-crisis, but for chicks, you silly rabbit.

This is the time I started to understand that there was more to learn, and that not knowing it all or having all the answers didn’t mean I was stupid, it meant I was brave enough to be curious. Those people I used to mock searching for the meaning of life were now the ones I was watching for answers. Apparently they were curious too!

I look at my life and never in a million years could I have guessed that I…
• would be employed by a post-secondary institution – without a degree
• am ambitious with an entrepreneurial spirit
• would be unmarried and be okay with it
• own my own home
• sing and perform in a band in front of hundreds of people
• enjoy running enough to complete 4 half marathons
• could ever keep my mind still enough to meditate
• would ever enter the self-help section of a bookstore
• become a health nut
• could possibly enjoy brussel sprouts.

How or why did these cool unexpected things happen to me? I have always been adventurous and spontaneous and in my own words a “shallow thinker”. I never delved too deeply into the hows or whys of things. I pretty much traveled through life on instinct with a dash of common sense, which has proved to be a pretty great combo now that I look back on life.

I love that I was wrong about my life predictions. Despite all the dramas and ups and downs, they are all part of whom I am now and where I am today, which I think is pretty darn cool.

I continue to search and be curious. I continue to offer silent apologies and gratitude to those before me that I used to scoff at. I continue to be grateful for my past mistakes (which I know call learning opportunities) because I needed them to be where I am today.

Can you appreciate your past, the good the bad and the ugly? What would your life look like if you could be okay with how it has played out? What would it look like if you could move forward?
ravens claw
I stand corrected. I stand curious. I still stand. I will eat crow, but please make it tasty.

The Price of Being Right

21 Jun

I, as many of us can acclaim, have had some pretty crappy hands dealt to me over my life span. I always knew that it was going to affect me somehow. How can something like that happen and it not affect me?

After a 4 year battle, my mother died of cancer when I was 19. Two two months later, my dad wanted to get married again to some woman he was hanging out with when my mother was languishing in the hospital on her death bed. I was less than impressed and promptly removed myself from his life before we ended up on a Jerry Springer episode. I vowed I would never let anyone hurt me like that again.

I kept my word. I dated people I couldn’t fall in love with so I couldn’t get hurt. It made it easier when the break up came, as I knew it would, because I was always right. “What? You’re breaking up with me? I knew you didn’t love me … I was right..again!”.

I’m now in my mid 30’s and I’m still right, and still single.  Coincidence? I’m starting to figure things out. I am tired of not liking myself in my skin and in my life. I start tuning in and paying attention to what I eat. I start feeling better, I start looking better. I start drawing positive attention…imagine that?

A couple of years into my fitness (and I use that term loosely) and healthy food journey, I noticed that my right shoulder was bothering me. I didn’t injure it, yet, I couldn’t lift it without pain. I heard that there was an underground Chiropractor in town that was really good. I found her information on the down low and made contact.

Now, to this day I am not sure what she is, or does, but she changed my life. This incredibly intuitive human managed to pinpoint the root of my problem. Emotional. Really? Whatever! But she nailed it. She said “you are in protective mode, your shoulders are tired for carrying this burden.” Her instructions were to go home and try to recall the last time the last time I felt safe. So being the obedient and complaint person I am I did just so. I sat there and thought about it, I  dug a little deeper.

Eureka! The last time I felt safe was the day I went to the hospital with my dad to see my  newborn baby brother. I was four years old. Man, that’s a long time to go without truly feeling safe.

Jesus. I wept.  I didn’t even cry like that when my mother died. After I finished sobbing, my body exhausted, drained and spent from the effort, my  perception was clearer. Hmm. Well I’ll be damned. It’s has been there all along. I was indeed affected by those life events the whole time. I just didn’t see it.

Remember all those times I was right? Well, I was right again.

So what was my price of being right?

  • Not talking to my father for 20 years;
  • Not being able to keep a romantic relationship;
  • Not being able to trust anyone, not even my own brother;
  • Not allowing myself to experience the joy of falling DSCN1897in love.

So what price have you paid for being right?

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