All or Nothing

2 May

Over the years I have had to learn to temper my all or nothing way of thinking and rather intense personality. Sure there are times that I was super motivated, but it was usually because I felt that I had something to prove to someone else. One summer I lost 30 pounds when I got dumped by my long time boyfriend. (He broke up with me and got married two weeks later to a classmate he met after I told him to go out and make some friends). I was in the best shape of my life…physically. I even had a six-pack, for the first and only time in my life…abs!

My head space was a different story. I worked out like a fiend, for all the wrong reasons. It wasn’t about bring healthy. I actually lost my appetite, but continued to push myself physically, beyond exhaustion some times. Is it a surprise that I wasn’t able to maintain a six-pack and over the years gained over 50 pounds that I am still trying to shed over 20 years later?

It took me almost two decades to cut myself some slack, about not doing things I believed that I “should” do, or “needed” to do. For what or who do I need to do these things for anyway?  What would happen if I simply didn’t want to do it? The world didn’t end, and people didn’t hate me for it. As a matter of fact, no one even noticed or batted an eye during my self-imposed rebellion.

I finally started to get to know myself better. I became more open to try different and out-of-my-comfort-zone things, from massages, to chiropractic care, to yoga. These little openings lead to some fantastic experiences, some great, some disastrous, but all fantastic outcomes nevertheless.  I finally became curious about things, and didn’t care as much about what other people thought. What they thought about me didn’t change who I was inside, or make me a bad person.

What would you do for yourself if nobody cared, commented or noticed what you did? What makes you think they do now? What if you went ahead and did it anyway?

How liberating would that feel for you? Can you remember when you last felt or do you even know what it feels like to be liberated?

You. Liberated. How does that look on you?


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